2014: So long, farewell, not going to miss you…
Warning, this is going to be a big mess of a post.
2014: TO HELL AND BACK
I had big plans in 2014. Big plans.
And then around mid-year it all kind of fell in a heap on me. May 2nd. That was the day it started, and from there it was just a big dwindling mess of June, July, August and September – illness surged, people I loved died, I couldn't keep up with what I was trying to do, whether it was the sport I was coaching, or my writing, or generally life (which is super, super hard to admit from someone who likes to achieve and doesn't like failing), and basically I fell into a big black hole of fatigue when my colitis flared (and fatigue isn't tired, trust me on this. Fatigue is like watching the Walking Dead, only, you are the Walking Dead. You sit and stare at your computer for hours on end, and only a grey haze emits in your mind, you can get through the day only by taking four two hour naps sometimes, and by the time seven o'clock rolls around and your boyfriend comes home you're in tears. Not because something bad happened but just Because. You. Can't. Even. Anymore).
The unfortunate fact is that I live with chronic illness (basically my immune system likes to pick on major internal organs and hasn't quite got the memo that I need them to operate), and in May I was diagnosed with autoimmune issue number three. It's usually not too bad. I take medications to suppress my immune system so it's not strong enough to kill my liver/colon/now bile ducts, I don't drink, I eat right, exercise, and my doc's are always amazed at how well I am. Only, this time I don't get to pop a magic pill, and make it all good like the other two, this time I'm headed toward a liver transplant, be it in 5, 10, 15 years, whatever. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it unfortunately.*
So that kind of… threw me. I had this magic block in my head where life was going to end in ten years time. Don't ask me why I picked ten years, I just did. And things will get kind of unpleasant before then, because to get on the liver transplant list, basically you have to be sick enough that you're only going to last another six months.
And everything in my mind went; what about children; can I have them; will I be able to raise them when I can barely get out of bed; what about my boyfriend; will he still love me when I am sick because chronic ill health is really, really hard to deal with; what about travel, which is my major love; my cancer risks just went through the roof; I won't be able to play sport or run or lead an active life; how can I afford this; I need money to deal with my health, so I need to get writing, but I can't write, I just can't because of this bloody awful fog in my head…
And everything kind of associated with that.
This is not a cry for sympathy. I'm cool. I'm through it. I got to the point where I had to say, there will be life after this transplant. As in my theory of all things sick or pain related – just push through, it will only be a few years, and then everything is back on track. So I'm in a good place, but I just wanted to explain where my head was at, and possibly why any emails anyone sent might have gone unanswered because – grey fog of fatigue – and why the Will vs Blade serial story in my newsletter kind of disappeared… I had no inspiration. My writing dried up, and the more I pushed (why can't I get 3000 words a day like I usually can! Duh, I'm sick. Let's try for 300. Maybe even 30 instead.)
It was kind of hard/weird. Because usually my mind doesn't operate like that. I always believe in glass-half-full, and life is awesome. But this time life wasn't awesome.
Every time I felt like life was getting good, and 2014 was going to be my bitch, something else came along (like a flu with the type of wrath I've never felt before, or I tear my calf muscle and there goes my budding new fitness campaign, or my mum rings to let me know my nan – who has severe Alzheimer's – has been re-diagnosed with cancer). And they weren't huge things, but it was enough to kind of throw me back into my I-really-hate-2014 sludge.
The last few years have been really hard for my family, but even through that I was the cheerleader or the pep squad, I got to be mum to everyone else and push them through. But this time it was me. And this time I was the one who needed someone else to be my cheerleader (Which happened. My boyfriend, mum, and my sister Kara were awesome, and some of my netball friends really helped me put a lot in perspective). I've always been the kind of person who just soldiers through, keeps it all quiet, and puts a smile on my face, but this time I needed some love and I got it, and something really amazing occurred to me – you need to let people know when things are tough.
Yes, yes I know I am stupid.
BACK ON TRACK
I think the hardest thing about this entire situation has been not having any control over it, and letting go of that fear of failure. So I've been working on the things that I can control, and not worrying about those that I can't. I have so many things to be grateful about (including Australia's health insurance system, thank goodness).
I won't lie. November was good. December was good. I'm feeling fit after getting back into the gym and doing boot camp, I'm discovering all these wonderful new gluten free recipes to play with, I kicked NaNoWriMo's butt, and have a major business plan mapped out for 2015 plus heaps of works in progress. I cut off all my hair, and I'm now feeling like a new me, one who is so ready for 2015.
There are plans in place to travel to Mexico and Costa Rica with my brother this year even if I have to rob a bank (jokes), and the end of the first arc of London Steampunk will hit stores in March.
I've been waiting since Kiss of Steel for this book, where I get to say goodbye to Leo, Honoria, Lena, Blade, Will, Perry, Garrett, Lynch, Rosa and the rest of the gang. I've been planting seeds through the whole series for what is to come, and I hope you all enjoy it!
Don't worry, I still have plans for another story arc in my blue blood world which I'll hopefully self-publish later this year, but right now I'm focusing on a couple of other little stories that have been brewing for a few years. I was a little burnt out. I need to be fresh and play with something else for a couple of months, and then I'm diving into Eric's story (the Scandinavian verwulfen you may remember from Heart of Iron). There might also be a glimpse of Lena and Will beckoning from that story, as I'm nearly finished mapping it out.
I'm also keen to start playing with a little bit of a different style, genre and format to really stretch my writing skills. By this I mean I'm working on something in a first person POV, something in first person present POV for my agent, and something else in a serial format (by that I mean a little episodic, kind of like a TV show, not just one book cut up into several parts). Plus the usual. There is paranormal and steampunk goodness galore for me to dive into.
I've always been a polygamist when it comes to reading and writing, and there are so many stories that want my attention.
So keep an eye out, as there are grand schemes ahoy!
PS. I wish every one else a fantastic 2015 too!
* SIDE NOTE: I remember ticking that form when I first got my driver's license (kinda pessimistic of the road network I think) at 18, saying I was happy to donate organs in the case of no longer needing them. And you never really think you or someone else will ever need a transplant until it happens. So please, please, wherever you are, please think about it (I'm not saying do it, that's your choice, but please think about your choice). It's not a nice thing to think about, but there are so many people out there who need a transplant, and I never even realised it until now.
